A German Hipster Written Article
When I was a teenager, my friends and I used to meet at the local ice cream café. We ordered spaghetti ice cream for one and split it for five.
The parasols sheltered us from the baking heat, while sweat glued us on the white plastic chairs. The main reason we went there was because the ice cream was more “aldi” than an ice tea from Starbucks.
It was every Friday afternoon that we chillaxed together. Occasionally, my friend Marry would bring her “hairy sausage”, an imagery for her wiener dog, which immediately became the center of attention.
Sometimes, we would go in the park and lay under the big oak trees. We hooked our MP3 players up to a speaker and listened to Justin Bieber’s “Baby”. Unfortunately, the US dream boy (even if he’s Canadian) only came in a package. Being with him also meant to be starving, homeless or possibly broke –At least that’s how he predicted it in his song “As Long As You Love Me”. Sorry, Justin, it’s not you. It’s your idea of our future together.
2012 provided the high school girls with a challenge: Find a date to the spring dance –Which, oddly, took place in summer. Now, in 10th grade, boys weren’t just the kids that occasionally start a food fight in the cafeteria anymore. These “kids” made an attempt to grow up. They changed their looks and some of them accessorized their new baggy pants style with a cig –which obviously always came with neon colored plastic dragon for lighting- or a beer in their hand. Obviously, all being fruit flavored to give their new addictions a healthy touch. -Strawberry cigs, grapefruit beer and later on apple bongs.
Simultaneously, girls joined the miracle movement. Colorful t-shirts and no-name jeans basically disappeared over night. Instead, we ran to the stores to create a style with stretchy black miniskirts and black leggings –“They looks as if you forgot putting your skirt over”, my friend had complained until she got her own pair.
Us girls got to the dance as one group. We arrived at 10pm. As we left, at 3am, the boys made their first appearance. They asked us to stay for after hour, the party after the dance at 6am, but we decided to let parties be parties and boys be boys and called it a night.
As the sun was shining relentlessly, we sometimes decided to spend the days inside. 2012 was an amazing year for “screen tanning”, since movies, such as “The Hunger Games”, “The Hobbit”, “Avengers”, “The Dark Knight Rises” and ”Skyfall” just appeared on screen. Basically, the year provided us with enough excuses to avoid more exercise than needed.
We also created our first Facebook accounts that year. We sent messages, like YOLO (our new life motto) and LOL (No, we didn’t actually laugh while sending this message) and changed our profile pictures weekly.
Five days of the week, we only had the afternoons along with the weekends to hang due to school. Summer time was by far the worst time for school. Students with no swag, with swag, swaggers and swag lords were all caught in a room studying unless it got so hot that we would have to bring our umbrellas in and put them on the window sill for some extra shade. (The school did not have enough money to put curtains into their classrooms.) Eventually, the heat reached record temperatures and concentrating in class was no longer an option. Then, we played teacher-bingo, solved Sudoku puzzles or, like Sebastian in the first row, put on our sun glasses and transformed our desk into a junk-food buffet with Coca Cola, chips and other unmeltable crap. Meanwhile, the Smartphone zombies, also known as “Smombies”, played Minecraft and Doodle Jump.
The air in the classroom transformed into a cloud of chemicals sprayed from 25 different deodorant bottles. It was a constant fight against the “armpit terror”.
During exam times, we spent a few hours longer at school and studied together. We were the “Algebra Students –Forever alone” class of 2012. For hours, we typed numbers into our “brain prosthesis” (The teachers referred to them as “calculators”.) and studied until no “intelligence allergic students” were in our group anymore. Flunking a test was no option in my friend circle, but when it happened, it wasn’t just unfortunate – It was an epic fail. After all, only noobs flunk tests.
In a few more years, I will look at the new teenage generation and there will be no more “hairy sausages” and teenagers won’t have swag. Instead, these teens will have their own vocabulary. And I won’t understand. LOL
Kartextsatire: “Jugendsprache oder bis zum Anschlag zugetexted…”. URL: http://www.klartextsatire.de/kultur/sprache/jugendsprache.htm (11.08.2017)